The Hitman’s Bodyguard *Major Spoiler Alerts*

After not watching a movie for over 18 months (I haven’t owned a TV for two years now, but I did go see Deadpool when it came out), I broke my screen-viewing hiatus with none other than ‘The Hitman’s Body Guard.’ With stars like Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson, what could go wrong, right?

I went with my 19-year-old son, who lucky for me cares not one bit that it’s not cool to go places with your mum. Also, it was helpful to have someone to whisper to occasionally about how terribly done certain scenes were… my disbelief in the poor workmanship of such a big budget film could hardly be enjoyed alone.

The movie starts with Triple A-rated personal protection agent Michael Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) escorting a Japanese arms dealer to the airport. Known for being super-cautious, with a slogan of “boring is best,” he is exceptional at his job. Michael’s whole world crumbles when his arms dealer client, who is supposedly safe on his private jet, looks out the window only to be shot by a sniper.

The movie shifts to Michael’s current life and his five-day growth shows us he’s a bit down in the dumps. He continues as a bodyguard but he’s lost his A grade rating and life sucks. Michael believes the reason behind his client getting shot, hence the crappiness of his new life, is because of his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) leaked information. His ex-girlfriend is smart, tough and cute and works with Interpol, so it’s pretty obvious they’re reuniting by the end of it.

Michael and Darius (Samuel L Jackson) hate each other at first because they have some lame-as-heck history, but they quickly end up buddies and start killing bad guys together. They exchange some cringe-worthy banter to ensure us dim-witted viewers understand the characters: Darius is the reckless, daredevil funny guy, and Michael is professional and careful. What an outrageous duo, folks!

Salma Hayek does a great job as Darius’ wife, but she doesn’t get much screen time. There were some amusing fight scenes where she kicks butt – albeit unnecessarily sexualized. It seems the writers believed viewers would be unable to comprehend she was both attractive and fierce without gratuitous boob and butt close-ups. She doesn’t get much screen time.

People are always trying to kill Darius. He’s heaps good at killing them before they kill him, even when he’s in handcuffs. Michael is good at killing people too. They keep bantering away at each other during all this killing, until Darius eventually extrapolates the reason why Michael broke up with his Interpol ex-girlfriend. *Insert massive eye-roll here*

On hearing this, Darius laughs and laughs and laughs. “Oh, your girlfriend didn’t rat you out and cause the Japanese arms dealer to get shot,” he says. “It was me! I was the sniper! I just happened to be on the roof of a really far away building on another job, it was my lucky day!”

Michael is angry for a minute and punches Darius in the face, then realizes he really screwed up by not trusting his girlfriend. Sad face.

Everything that happens you see coming, but you don’t expect it to be done so badly. Darius has to give some evidence in court against a baddie and he shows the courtroom his own website as proof. It hadn’t been previously submitted as evidence, but was somehow accepted anyway. It shows photos of said baddie killing an entire village, and I ponder why Darius chose that particular day to have a break from killing the bad guys to dabble in photography.

The bad guy, who has been quite intelligent up until this point, sees this “evidence” from Darius’ website and says “Oh yeah, I admit it, and I don’t even care! Hahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!” *Coughs*

My son loved the overt product placement. “Boy, just look at that shiny new Jag everyone,” as well as the Ford Focus which just goes and goes. When they crash the Ford and the air bags quickly inflate, Michael actually says (and this time I’m seriously not paraphrasing): “Wow, that’s responsive!”

There were some explosions, some other things happened… There was a fart joke and some random nuns. Both guys got their ladies in the end and it was all romantic n’ stuff. I guess this dynamic duo are besties for life now. Awesome. Just awesome.

My silver lining is that at least it gives me something to write about for this week’s Millsy’s Musing (the column I write for Orange City Life), and my son and I had fun discussing certain scenes. I sat down to write and needed him to kickstart me with some bullet points: “What did we hate about the movie again, specifically?”

“All of it.” He replies. “We hate all of it.”

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